Have you ever wondered about the general lack of respect in the world? I do, frequently. In fact, I’m nothing short of amazed by it. Maybe I’m just growing more jaded as time goes on, but I don’t think that’s it. Every day I watch people spin around on their own axis, often with complete disregard to everyone else in the world.

It’s every where. People are not allowed to share mutual love without approval. Human beings are considered inferior based off traits they’re born with. Oddly enough, these big picture thing’s are easier to withdraw from than the day to day task. It’s relatively easy to go upon your own business in the world, but that’s simply because no one cares enough about what you do until it impact’s them.

Lately though, I become more frustrated. At work, I have people with doctoral degrees in Periodontics dismissing my opinion on matters I’m an expert in, simply because they have a doctorate in an irrelevant field. Guys, friends, work, everywhere, seem to think their schedule is more important than mine; call ‘me ‘ first, never call you. Every day my own self esteem is threatened because of these things. I was taught while I grew up to not be insecure, but as life goes on, I find that my insecurity buttons are more and more frequently pressed.

Every time I don’t deliver some unrealistic expectation, I feel as if I don’t know what I’m doing at work. I suspect I’ve had more awkward endings with guys than I should. I used to just chalk it up mistakes, errors, or simply life. These days, I hold myself accountable for every mistake in my presence, and quite frankly, it’s slowly chipping away at that core belief I grew up with that said I was unique, valuable, and ‘worth it’. As Smalley-ian as it sounds, I believed it, and ran with it.

I’m turning 30 soon, and I find that I still have naive beliefs like that. Somewhere in my head, trying actually meant all the world to me. Somewhere, I knew someone would miss me if I wasn’t around. Silly little things that are carved into the blocks we play with as a kid; mantras spelled out with Alpha bits as a child. These things however, seem to grow soggy with milk.

I fought back for a long time. I know people expected me to be defiant for what I believed in. As paths grow more difficult, it seems less people are interested in the work required to do that; the path of least resistance becomes the path most desired. I can say this because I’m tempted by it all the time. Every day I’m put in a scenario where I could benefit at the expense of others, or without others, but I find myself always shying away.

I’m not really sure when the values diminished on things that do not provide gain. I realize how naive that statement is, but it’s just an example of how strong the case is. Every day I see it. Every day I find myself thinking about it, even sometimes attempting to justify it. “What I want” is worth more than anything in this world, and that includes anything anyone else wants.

I want to ask how long it will be before I start doing this, but it’s really too late. I’m there, though I don’t want to be. Simply as a defensive measure, I must fight for myself. I must have amazing self esteem to stake a claim to even the smallest piece of the pie. I have to lick the boot of everyone who has more money, looks, or general influence than I to be included. I do this all, even with the realization that it’s not self esteem, and it’s not respect. It’s nothing more than selling out for things that don’t matter.

So I ask myself, what matters. My happiness? What makes me more happy, or perhaps the better question is ‘What makes me less sad’; selling out or being forgotten. They’re flip sides of a coin that determines the price on so many things happy. I’ve been trying to believe in ‘trying’. I want to believe that the harder, yet right decision will provide some comfort. The philosopher says the choice enough should be enough. The spiritualist says to believe in karma. At this point, my comfort lies in whatever takes my mind off it, because as they say, ignorance truly is bliss.

I had a passing conversation with Wisdom, and all I learned was that she’s a lonely woman, who no one knows as intimately as they’d like.

Lately, I’ve been contemplating the concept of Wisdom, and I’m learning that the act of being wise is a macro concept, one that involves several other virtues, and varies based on your situation; Perspective, Humility, Patience, Altruism, all brothers and sisters, and children of the all mighty concept.

I want to say I struggle with the concept, but I don’t. I think I have a very strong grasp on most things philosophical. My battle comes from implementation, as no one likes a philosopher who doesn’t practice what they preach. I’ve since come to realize that Life’s day to day tasks and general existence are the biggest challenges to attaining these goals. Oddly enough, this realization has helped, as it has identified my problems; one on hand I feel a little more pathetic and slightly silly to realize that something as simple as cleanliness and organization are keeping me from my almighty true concept of Zen, and even sillier that at one point I thought I could even achieve some kind of Nirvana.

The goal now is to simply accept, and start low, no longer skipping to the end; working on those little foundations pieces, and see where it goes. It helps with everything, especially stress, where as I have a tendency to ‘let things go’ when I’m stressed, turning those day to day tasks into huge burdens to circumvent or flat out ignore. These things just enable avoidance and anxiety, which are some of my largest problems in life.

I’m working on the simplicity. I want more peace; I want life to seem less difficult and frustrating. It’s not even a desire for simplicity, but realizing what other people hold important, isn’t necessarily what is important for me. Further more, realizing that what others think of what I want isn’t really as important as I once thought it was, is helping a great deal.

I’m doing my own thing, and it’s really helping to calm me down, yet fuel my desires for something without the side effect of pure frustration. I don’t so much have a destination at this point, just a desire for progress and improvement.

When someone said count your blessings now before they’re long gone. I guess I just didn’t know how. I was all wrong.

We all know patience is a virtue and discretion is the better part of valor, but don’t mask indecisiveness as either.

Frustration at a lack of control of my life has often led me to seek solutions to change the situation. However, as time progresses I’ve learned that change isn’t perhaps the best way of ‘handling’ something.

I’ve always assumed that something is wrong, simply because I wasn’t sure if it was right. That’s indecisiveness for you.

The sheer anxiety from it all is harsh. It’s more than anyone should deal with added to the pressure of just having to make decisions. The pressure feels even worse when you’re bruised. All we want to do is retreat or be defensive.

In the past, I’d be defensive, then I took a step back and retreated. Indecisiveness ruled the day, not because I couldn’t make a decision, but because I couldn’t stand the thought of making the wrong one.

But that’s just it; inaction is just as much a choice as taking action. I’ve elaborated on time before. It’s short, and by not making a decision, you’re allowing someone, something, anything else to control you. Regardless of who made the decisions, you didn’t, and that is just unfortunate.

So the key in all of this is to make a decision and accept it. Perhaps I’m growing old or I’m just burned out, but I no longer feel the need to be defiant for the sake of being defiant. It proves nothing other than I’m stubborn. These days, defiance isn’t necessary because I don’t feel the need to defend myself; the only thing I feel the need to defend is others.

It’s taken me a while to get to this point. It’s not always roses, but I feel more confident about myself, simply because I’ve accepted the fact that mistakes will happen, I am trying my best, and time is too finite to be wasted on ‘If’s’. The relief in just accepting myself for what I am and capable of has been one of the best things I’ve ever experienced, not just in terms of relief, but also just happy. I’m not a perfect man, but I am damned well capable of being ‘good’ or possibly even ‘great’ to myself and others. I’m confident enough to take a shot and reasonable enough to be happy with my best.

So go out there; take a chance. Actually, it’s not about risk, it’s about living. There is no risk involved in experiencing life. You may regret that you missed an opportunity, but you’ll never know what you missed without trying.

And I can’t change this, I can never take it back. But now I can’t change your mind

lines7 , originally uploaded by omgwru .

This set is about lines. In Chicago it’s easy to take a bunch of pictures with some kind of angular geometry-esque feeling.

But on a deeper note, it’s all about me and lines. I see them. They’re boundaries. Lines exist to confine and protect. And I simply don’t have the energy to try to breach those boundaries at this point.
Here’s a song.

Blue October feat. Imogen Heap - Congratulations

The girl, this house, the highway, your mind made it real. Just remember always move fast.

Preface: This is a lunchtime writing exercise, don’t read into this. I don’t claim to be anything other than some guy with a computer. Imagine it like a 60’s sorta PSA type of thing.

nos·tal·gi·a (n-stlj, n-)
n.

1. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
2. The condition of being homesick; homesickness.

Nostalgia in itself is not particularly harmful; in fact, it may induce euphoric symptoms in folks during the early stages.

The early symptoms of nostalgia may include daydreaming and distraction. However, as it progresses, these symptoms amplify and evolve into new diseases. The complications of Nostalgia are the biggest detractors and the ones with the most potential for disastrous consequences. In the advanced stages, Nostalgia becomes corrosive to your mind as well as generating a form of dementia where the victim often believes the past is retrievable.

While a mild case of Nostalgia itself is not harmful, if left unchecked it has the potential to create a tunnel for an idealized and unrealistic predilection towards the past to gain foothold. Through this tunnel, more opportunistic infections may invade the psyche. These infections feed on the bittersweet memories provided by Nostalgia. Infections such as Yearning and Languishing and even Addiction can settle in and grow roots which invade all aspects of your mental and physical health.

The potentially worst outcome is that of the combination effect these diseases and conditions form when they all co-exist, feeding off each other. As the mental condition decays, the patient will become a breeding ground for conditions all related to the worst of the mental health world, Depression.

Depression, parasitic in nature like the conditions heretofore, will feed off the existing feelings and the conditions that breed them. In a fire fueled by Nostalgia, memories are consumed by Depression. In time, it will grow until there are no memories left and the mind becomes burned and barren, and the victim becomes numb to emotion. When a drought of emotions exist, Depression evolves and can take it’s anger out on the bearer until the shell cracks. Through acts of violence or sheer decay, the darkest corners of the mind are exposed, once again providing a food source for the parasitic disease.

By this point, without intervention, there is little that can be done to help the patient. The diseases need to be removed by containing the food source. Chemical therapy or restraint may be applied so that the growth of new feelings may be stunted until the diseases themselves starve to death.

Once there is no disease left, the growth can resume and flourish. Even as the growth resumes, the patient should be under constant supervision to watch out for nostalgia grazing the pastures in the future. Where there is innocent grazing upon memories, there is always the potential for a predator to ambush the ever unsuspecting and naive Nostalgia.

Things do not change; we change.
-Henry David Thoreau

Time is a constant.

As we know it, the concept of Time will never change. The ever present pendulum of unstoppable force ticks for us all. For some it is a razor swinging back and forth looming to eventually cleave us in half; for others, it is a roller coaster of the highest heights and the lowest lows.

Every human on this planet experiences time differently; some are in a hurry, some are patient, and some just wait until the last moment possible. Time as a ‘thing’ will remain unchanged; however, how we view it is more than capable of modification. The very existence of time gives everyone an expiration date; we are just unaware of it. Time is a finite resource, and to every person on this planet, the most valuable thing they possess. This leaves us in a world of survival, a world of competition, and a world of Me. It’s natural to feel the urge; it is so very much a piece of our subconscious that we reach and grasp at every potential opportunity to get ahead, or not.

But that is Human Nature for you, and Human Nature isn’t likely to change either.

You may think this is a terribly pessimistic point of view, but as they say, there are two sides to every coin. Individually, we are all driven by the departure of time, but as a whole, humanity is aware that it will carry on despite losses. Even those that believe in an existence beyond mortal life are influenced by it. Our time on this earth is precious to everyone.

On days like this I’m reminded about the wide range of potential for human beings and how precious time truly is.

Patriot Day, the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, Veterans Day, and many others are a sad reminder to many. These are days where countless amounts of time was stolen from not only the victims themselves, but everyone around them. These are days where time is surrendered as an investment to the future. Instead, the victims and those related are given something else to occupy their time, grief. This concept applies to all crimes of violence, natural disasters or any other tragedy where life is blown out like a candle during a storm. We are all victims when someone loses that time, that potential.

However, through the gloom, at the bottom of Pandora’s Box, the glimmer of hope still shines. There is more to these days than what is lost. Indeed, if there was a more virtuous act, it would be to celebrate the things left behind by those whose time was cut short.

On this day, I see people rallying in support of their fellow humans; victims and not, alike contributing their precious time. Charity events, businesses rebuilt, families reunited, and even artwork created from the rubble of disasters that should serve to remind us its value and that how we spend our time is a choice and can have a powerful impact, positive or not.. For every terrorist, there are a thousand working to make the world a better place. For every one hurricane, thousands of people rally to rebuild the devastation. People are donating their most valuable resource to fill the void left by a terrible event. We as humans who choose to do good and productive things with our precious time outnumber the ones that don’t.

Thoreau is right, things do not change, but how we change, is only up to us as an individual. Despite that pressure, that urge to horde your time, people give it freely and willingly, choosing to use it positively rather than negatively.

And that, my friends, is why I still have faith in humanity, still believing that there is something good that can happen in all of us. We are capable of changing, for the better, and frequently do.

So on this day, take your time and do something positive instead of grieving. Do something to fill that void, because otherwise, you’re allowing someone else to take your most precious resource available, the ever constant Time.

Come into the spotlight of mine, come into the spotlight so you can share with me your creativity.

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lloyd1 , originally uploaded by omgwru .

I post this picture for a couple of reasons.

The first is that it wasn’t taken by me, but happens to be an excellent picture. This attests to the power of a quality camera and a 50mm lens. It also attests to the fact that much of the quality of the pictures I take are based on this.I may be able to compose a picture, but you simply cannot get technical quality like this from a point and shoot.

I’ve always maintained that you need to be able to see beyond the surface of a person to take their picture. Even if you don’t know them, you need to try to step into someone else’s shoes for a bit to try to take their picture. Wonder why a person is smiling before you snap a shot. Look at what they’re looking at before you capture the image.

Taking a picture for me is always so much more than flattening what is visible. It’s capturing what you see and feel, and I think this is a perfect example of how it impacts a photograph.

And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive.

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looking up, originally uploaded by omgwru .

My photography has increased three fold. In the last three weeks I’ve taken almost as many pictures as I have the 4 months I’ve had the camera. I’m becoming more focused on what I want to deliver, and walking around camera in hand with more purpose. I feel more confident about it in general as I learn the ins and outs. It’s mostly just practice, but it’s somethign I feel good about. I have a long way to go, I still feel amateur at best, but we’ll see where it goes.

This picture was partially inspired this shot by Ramperto. I’m pretty pleased how it turned out. I try to make metaphors out of everything in my life, photography, music, anything really. In the past I’ve not been so deliberately focused on delivering that metaphor, but lately it’s been my impetus. What does that mean to someone as an artist?

This particular one has a million different reasons. Life is looking up at the moment; I’ll leave the rest to you.

Only this moment holds us together. Close to perfection; nothing else out there. Always beside us; trusting my senses. Deep down inside I know I will survive.

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reflection: up , originally uploaded by omgwru .

Life has a lot of twists and turns. There’s been a lot of tough moments in the past, and I feel like I’ve gained a little insight into myself because of it. Taking a blow to your defenses and realizing theres nothing to break and no need to defend, has given me reason enough to take a chance. That’s more than one metaphor for my life at the moment.

Right now I’m simmering with an energy I haven’t experienced in a while. I understand potential and the concept of kinetic energy and trying to not set myself up for a fall or bowled over; I’m trying to channel this into more creative aspects, thus a photo set from my lunch break today.

The climb of life is up hill, but I am enjoying the challenge with rewards.

No whammy, no whammy, no whammy, big bucks!!

Friday night I’m going nowhere; all the lights are changing green to red.

pooted , originally uploaded by omgwru .

Chris Glass posted something on it a couple weeks ago, and I sorta giggled, but today I was surprised to see it in Chicago’s financial districts. Frankly, in a city such as Chicago, being quite liberal yet firmly entrenched in the Midwest, unusual advertisements such as this are both unusual in content and unusual in that most advertising in the city is straightforward and far from controversial (though I have to admit, the CTA related ad spots are usually the best ones, for good reason).

I’m usually surprised when I see advertisements like this. Pleasantly so, but generally its a pop culture type of phenom that I usually see via the interweb instead of on my own. An older co worker saw the sign and asked me what ‘pooted’ meant, and I told her to ask her children. They’d know. Brilliant really, because curiosity killed the cat.

I took this picture for a couple reasons. It’s a gray; humid day in Chicago. On days like this you’d think all color in Chicago has vanished. It has an interesting effect since these ads are essentially on glass. The red is a bit darker than it would be if the sun were blazing, which is something I’m a fan of. So aside from the fact that its a ‘different’ sorta ad, it’s has a stark contrast to the concrete and steel facade of Chicago’s South Loop.

I’m sort of obsessed with color these days.